


Does It Worry You To Be Alone

by CoffeeAndArrows



Category: Arrow (TV 2012), DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV)
Genre: Amaya is the best, Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Past Rape/Non-con, Sara Needs a Hug, could be Sara/Amaya if you want, ft. my otp Sara Lance/confronting her demons
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-06
Updated: 2018-05-06
Packaged: 2019-05-03 05:02:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,589
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14561436
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CoffeeAndArrows/pseuds/CoffeeAndArrows
Summary: Either Sara hadn't noticed her walk in - which was unlikely, even in her current mental state - or she just didn't care, which was somehow so much worse. Placing her drink down on the table, she crouched down in front of Sara just as she had done only hours earlier with a different, younger version of the Captain.It was Sara who broke the silence, her voice thick with emotion as she quietly confessed 'I never told anyone. I never - I mean, I didn't - I couldn't -'She cut herself off sharply, resolve crumbling, and Amaya was suddenly hit by the fact that Sara had been planning to tackle this anachronismalone, until Gideon had forced her hand. She had fully intended to face her demons head on, and although she was strong, everyone has their breaking point. Even Sara.Or, Sara and Amaya go to fix an anachronism on the Amazo, and Sara isn't okay.





	Does It Worry You To Be Alone

**Author's Note:**

> I miss Sara and Amaya's friendship already so I wrote a thing. Also everything I write turns to angst so I apologise :')
> 
>  
> 
> **Contains Implied past rape/non-con**

The mission had gone well - Cleopatra had been successfully rescued from the cretaceous period and placed back in time her own time, and it was only early afternoon. Sara glanced round to check everyone had made it back to the ship unscathed, and was about to speak when she was interrupted by a familiar voice. 'Captain Lance, I have detected an anachronism which may be of interest.'

Sara rolled her eyes, already walking away from the console. 'Thanks Gideon, but we are done for the day.' She spun round to face her team, instructing them to take the afternoon off, which - if the grin on Wally's face was anything to go by - was a popular decision.

'Captain,' Gideon persisted, causing Sara to spin back around, looking the projection in the eye.

She sighed. 'Okay, go on. Tell me.'

There was a moment of silence, not long enough for many to notice, but it was there; the AI waited just a fraction too long before answering, putting Sara on edge. 'I have detected a minor temporal fluctuation, which has not yet been picked up on the Time Beauro's scanners.'

Sara glanced round at her team, who all seemed as confused as she felt. '...and?'

She'd never known the AI to be hesitant, didn't even know she could be, but this time the pause stretched on for what seemed like hours. 'The anachronism is located on the Amazo, circa 2007. A certain Doctor Anthony Ivo has found himself with medical plans from the year 2134. He intends to synthesise the medication and test it on his prisoners.'

Sara stopped short, suddenly feeling cold, fighting the urge to reach for a knife, to keep herself _safe_. Secure.

_2007_

_Ivo_

She rubbed her clammy hands against her suit, trying to ease her discomfort. Feeling her teammates eyes on her, she pushed her thoughts to the back of her mind, desperate to maintain a calm exterior rather than let her thoughts show on her face.

'No.'

'Captain - '

Sara's gaze hardened. 'I said no, Gideon. Not that one. Leave it for someone else.'

The team, taking that to be the end of the conversation, began to walk out of the room, going their separate ways as they left to pursue their own activities.

'Captain,' Gideon persisted, 'I feel obligated to point out that any anacronisms you do not fix will be seen to by the Time Beauro.'

Sara shook her head, not bothering to hide the tremors in her hands or the way all of her muscles had tensed now that she was alone. Gideon was right, of course. She knew that. She had no choice but to fix this, and above that, she had an obligation to; she knew that ship like the back of her hand, and had by far the highest chance of success.

But still.

It had been years, but she'd never be ready to face those demons.

Going back might break her.

But Gideon was warning her what would happen if she didn't fix it, and her true meaning wasn't lost - if Sara didn't fix it, Ava would try.

Sara swallowed, feeling nausea rising.

She took a breath.

'Okay, Gideon. Okay.'

Sara's plan was simple; go in, steal the medical plans, get out. Or so she'd told Amaya as she hovered in the doorway, asking for her assistance, claiming that Gideon refused to let her go alone.

Which made sense. Sara couldn't interact with her younger self, and it was likely that 2007 her was already on the ship.

But Amaya couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong. The way Sara was holding herself as they walked through the dark corridors of the Amazo, every muscle tense, ready to defend herself, was putting her on edge. There was an atmosphere surrounding this place that she couldn't quite put her finger on, but whatever it was was slowly seeping through her suit, chilling her to her bones.

The captain had warned her that the mission wouldn't be pretty, but it wasn't until a muffled scream broke the eerie silence that her words actually began to sink in. Amaya's jaw tensed as she quickened her pace, moving towards the sounds that kept echoing off the walls.

It wasn't until she was outside the door to the room the noise was coming from that the weight of the situation hit her, muffled pleading now intermingled with the screams.

_Sara's_ screams.

Feeling a hand against her chest, Amaya looked down, only then realising she had activated her totem. Looking up, she saw Sara - this Sara, 2018 Sara - staring at her face, her eyes filled with a muddle of grief, fear and something unrecognisable.

'Please,' she murmured, mirroring her younger self. The way the word fell out of her mouth caused Amaya to freeze, removing her hand from her totem, focusing instead on the blonde's expression. She scanned the other woman's face again, searching for a sign of what to do.

Sara looked defeated. 'You can't stop it.'

She reached out to grab Amaya's hand, her grip so tight she was cutting off the circulation, and once again Amaya found herself looking straight into Sara's eyes, trying but failing to interpret the emotions swimming withing them.

Another scream rang out, prompting Sara to add 'it has to happen,' sounding so unsure of herself that Amaya felt like she'd been punched in the stomach.

When the screams and pleas cut off, only to be replaced with a gagging sound, Amaya felt sick.

And then immediately felt like a terrible person, because if she felt this awful just letting this happen, she couldn't even begin to fathom how Sara felt, listening to her worst memories play out right in front of her.

Feeling a tug on her arm, she followed Sara round the corner into a narrow corridor, watching as the Captain sagged against the wall, her face pale. Sara closed her eyes, mumbling 'I'm gonna throw up.'

The colour had left her face and she was visibly nauseated, leaning against the side of the ship as if it was the only thing holding her up. Lost for words, Amaya said nothing, simply squeezing Sara's hand in support, knowing deep down that there was nothing she could do to help.

The few minutes they waited for the men to leave the room felt like the longest minutes she'd ever lived through, but they waited, the silence only broken by muffled sounds from down the corridor and Sara's shaky breathing.

Once the room had emptied - except for young Sara, presumably - the Captain took a moment to compose herself and then turned to her teammate, trying her hardest to keep her voice from shaking as she issued her orders. 'You have to go. I can't, my younger self can't see me.'

Amaya hesitated, but then nodded, knowing this was the correct course of action, but still unsure about leaving the blonde alone. 'Do you have any idea where the plans will be?'

Again, Sara froze. Another moment passed before she sucked in a sharp breath and nodded. 'The desk drawer. The key's on the hook by the door.'

'Okay,' Amaya replied, her voice soft. 'Okay.'  She reached out to squeeze Sara's hand but the other woman jerked it away, and Amaya internally cursed herself, murmuring an apology.

Sara looked so lost, and a large part of Amaya was still screaming at herself to stay, so she settled with looking her captain in the eyes and promising to be quick before setting off down the corridor.

It was an easy mission.

In, out, no lasting consequences.

In theory.

And it was quick - she simply retrieved the key from where Sara had said it would be, found the papers she was looking for, and returned the key.

But it was impossible to ignore the woman - _Sara_  - huddled on the bed, impossible to ignore the way she had whimpered and flinched away when Amaya had walked in.

Impossible to ignore her when she had whispered 'Please don't hurt me,' her words so fragile and fearful that it broke right through the Legend's resolve, forcing her to turn around.

For the first time, Amaya allowed herself to take in the sight before her, her heart snapping once again as she noticed the tremors running through her friend's body.

She looked like a wreck. Which wasn't surprising, all things considered, but it compelled Amaya to step closer until she had crouched down in front of the other woman, looking her in the eyes.

'I'm sorry,' she started, her voice quiet, trying her best not to startle the already shaken woman. 'I'm not here to hurt you, but I can't save you either.'

'Why not?' The younger Sara pleaded, her voice cracking as she tried to keep it steady, and the terrified, lost look in her eyes reminded her so much of the look she'd seen in her Captain's only minutes before that Amaya had to look away.

This was Sara, before her time on Lian Yu, before the League of Assassins, before she had died and been brought back to life. This was a young, innocent Sara, who had made one stupid mistake and ended up in so far over her head that she had no idea how to get out.

This was a Sara who had absolutely no way to protect herself.

'I'm sorry,' she repeated, shaking her head, trying to keep her emotions out of her voice. Wanting to give the other woman _something_  to hold onto, she added softly 'This won't last forever. The future's better.'

She couldn't help, she knew that. She did. But it still took all of her willpower to walk away from the situation, leaving the other woman in harms way, trying to ignore the pleas for help that fell from her lips.

Outside the room, Amaya leaned against the wall, taking a moment to gather her thoughts before she returned to Sara. She wasn't usually one for suppressing her emotions, but somehow feeling shaken up by this seemed wrong when Sara was here too, trying her hardest to keep it together.

It was that look of _hope_  that she couldn't quite shake. The idea that young, innocent Sara had believed this stranger would help her, and instead she had just walked away and left her to her fate.

She knew they were protecting history, and that this had to happen for Sara to become the Canary. But still. It felt so _wrong_  to just leave.

Taking a deep breath, Amaya pushed herself off the wall and made her way back to where Sara was now pacing up and down the corridor, still worryingly pale. At least this was over - the mission at least - and they could return to the Waverider in one piece.

The trip back was silent. Sara was clearly trying to process her thoughts, and Amaya left her to it, quietly letting her know that she was here if the Captain wanted to talk, but not pushing it.

If there was one thing Amaya had learnt since joining the team, it was that Sara would talk if and when she wanted to, and preferably not at all.

So she left her alone until they got back, and only then asked her if she was okay.

Which was a stupid question, all things considered, because Sara was still far to pale and failing to hide the tremors in her hands, but she nodded stiffly in response to the question, so Amaya let it slide.

Until they reached the bridge, where Nate and Ray were holding a lively debate on some movie or other.

Until Nate clapped Sara on the shoulder as she walked past, and found himself on the floor within seconds, a knife against his throat.

Sara's eyes flashed as she hissed 'Don't touch me,' through clenched teeth, and Ray moved towards them in alarm before Amaya reached out to stop him, forcing him away from Sara.

The Captain's head snapped round as she heard them move, analysing the threat before she appeared to suddenly realise the situation, her eyes filling with horror as she stumbled back, dropping the knife she was holding.

'Sorry,' she muttered, still backing away. 'I'm sorry.'

'It's okay, Sara,' Nate responded, taking a step towards her.

'Nathaniel,' Amaya warned, catching his attention long enough for Sara to make her way into her study, away from the other three.

'What did I do?' Nate asked, turning his gaze back towards Amaya and Ray. 'She okay?'

Amaya shrugged halfheartedly, trying to offer a reassuring smile. 'We went to fix that anacronism. It was... rough. I'll go check on her, can you guys give us some space?'

Ray nodded, an optimistic smile returning to his face as he agreed, ushering Nate out off the bridge with him.

Sara was sat in an armchair in the study, head buried in her hands, her fingers tangled in her hair. Initially leaving her to brood, Amaya walked over to the other side of the room and poured them both a drink, taking them back over to where Sara sat.

Either Sara hadn't noticed her walk in - which was unlikely, even in her current mental state - or she just didn't care, which was somehow so much worse. Placing her drink down on the table, she crouched down in front of Sara just as she had done only hours earlier with a different, younger version of the Captain.

'Sara?' she asked, keeping her voice quiet, and when the Captain looked up, Amaya pressed the drink into her hand.

'Thanks,' Sara mumbled, downing the whiskey in one go and placing the glass on the table. She wound her hands together in an unsuccessful attempt to hide how much they were shaking from her friend, and opened her mouth before Amaya could speak.

'Is Nate...'

She trailed off, guilt flooding her face, and Amaya rushed to reassure her. 'Nate is fine. You didn't hurt him.'

Sara shook her head, avoiding Amaya's eyes. 'But I could've -'

'No. Don't go there.' Sara still refused to look at her, so Amaya settled for placing a hand over the Captain's and giving it a gentle squeeze. 'No one got hurt. You didn't hurt Nate. And even if you had, no one would've blamed you, given the circumstances.'

This seemed to upset Sara more, and she shook her head again, eyes fixated on something that Amaya couldn't see. She had that lost look in her eyes again, the one that had flooded her younger self's face, but this time it was tinged with sorrow and regret, and so many other emotions that Amaya couldn't even begin to put her finger on.

Not knowing what to say, she settled for waiting in silence. She wasn't sure if Sara wanted to discuss their trip to her past or just push it from her mind; it would probably be healthy to talk about it, but Amaya wasn't going to push her. There was a time and a place for that, but right now, forcing Sara to do anything she didn't want to do was not a good idea.

It was Sara who broke the silence, her voice thick with emotion as she quietly confessed 'I never told anyone.'

Finally, she let Amaya meet her gaze, eyes swimming with unshed tears. 'I never - I mean, I think Ollie guessed, but I didn't - I couldn't -'

She cut herself off sharply, resolve crumbling, and Amaya was suddenly hit by the fact that Sara had been planning to tackle this anachronism _alone_ , until Gideon had forced her hand. She had fully intended to face her demons head on, and although she was strong, everyone has their breaking point.

Even Sara.

So instead, she had asked Amaya to come with her. She had trusted her with her darkest secrets, ones that she hadn't even managed to voice out loud before.

The kind of secrets that wake you up in the night and make you never want to close your eyes again.

Coming back to the situation in front of her and making a mental note to thank Gideon for her input later, Amaya reached up to wrap her arms around the captain, pausing at the last second to check Sara was okay with it.

Instead of a reply, the blonde leaned into the embrace, burying her head in the other woman's shoulder and bringing her own arms up to wrap around Amaya, fingers curling into her shirt as she desperately clung to whatever comfort she could take.

They remained in that position for a while, Sara buried in her friend's arms, Amaya perched on the edge of the armchair, her focus occasionally drifting over to the bridge.

Sara wasn't crying, as far as she could tell, though if she had been Amaya wouldn't have been surprised. It had been that kind of day.

Catching something out of the corner of her eye, she noticed Ray walking onto the bridge, and shook her head at him across the room, mouthing at him to wait where he was.

Now was not a good time, however good his intentions.

Pulling away from Sara, Amaya studied her face, concerned. Her eyes were red-rimmed, and still a little misty, but her cheeks were dry and she was looked far less pale than earlier, which Amaya counted as a success.

Once she had the other woman's attention, she quietly informed her of Ray's presence, asking whether the Captain wanted to see him.

Sara closed her eyes, giving her head an almost imperceptible shake, her voice fractured as she choked out 'I can't. Not - not right now.'

This time, a tear did escape down her cheek, and Sara angrily brushed it away, her eyes still shut. 'I'm sorry.'

Amaya sighed. 'Stop apologising, Sara. This isn't your fault. Any of it.'

The blonde opened her mouth but then closed it again, unsure. Amaya rubbed her arm and stood up, eyes flicking over to where Ray was stood. 'I'll go talk to him.'

At this, Sara's eyes flashed open, fear filling her expression as she stared up at Amaya, looking betrayed.

Realising her mistake before Sara could say a word, Amaya rushed to reassure her. 'Not about the mission. Not about that.'

The fear in Sara's eyes lessened slightly, but remained, prompting Amaya to crouch back down to be eye level with the captain. 'Hey. Listen to me.' Seeing the blonde's attention was solely on her, she pushed forward, her words quiet but firm. 'Your secrets, your past, they are _yours_. No one else's. So if you want to tell people, that's up to you, not me. I'm not going to say anything to anyone.  Not unless you want me too.'

Sara sucked in a shaky breath and nodded, her eyes still fixed on Amaya. 'Thank you.'

Amaya smiled. 'You don't have to thank me for that.' She gave Sara's shoulder a gentle squeeze as she left the room and made her way over to where Ray was waiting, hoping that whatever he wanted would be quick - it felt wrong, leaving Sara alone, even though Amaya knew full well that she could defend herself. Physically, at least.

'Is she okay?' Ray asked the second Amaya had approached him, causing her to sigh. 'I brought tea.'

He meant well, she knew that, but Sara didn't need this right now. Not that she really understood what the Captain needed - it was difficult to tell with Sara, especially at this particular moment - but it was clear she wasn't up to _this_.

She gave him a sad smile, electing to ignore the first question, hoping he wouldn't notice. 'Thank you, Ray. That's... thoughtful of you. But I think Sara's going to need something a bit stronger right now.'

Ray's face dropped slightly, and Amaya gave a slight shrug, hoping he would understand. It wasn't easy, crushing his optimistic attitude, and she wished she didn't have to do it, but right now Sara had to be a priority.

Amaya bit her lip. 'Ray... I know you mean well, but I meant what I said earlier. I know it's not fair to ask things of you without providing reasons, but _please_  can you give Sara some space for a few days.'

Ray's disappointed expression morphed into understanding, and Amaya took a moment the thank the Gods that the team were such amazing people. Ray gave a slow nod, agreeing to her suggestion immediately.

She smiled. 'Thank you. And can you pass that on to Nathaniel please?'

'Of course,' Ray agreed, already turning to go do so, and Amaya thanked him again in a quiet voice before turning back to the study, wishing it was that easy to get through to the stubborn blonde she'd left alone.

Sara was back with her head in her hands when Amaya returned, but this time she looked up, and immediately Amaya forgot what she had been about to say, her breath taken away by the look of sheer vulnerability in the other woman's eyes.

It was so easy to forget what she'd been through, to only see the person she wanted you to see.

To let her keep you at arm's length.

After all, it was what she did best.

Every so often, cracks would start to show in the facade before she patched them up, and occasionally Sara would drop her walls and let her team in. But not like this.

The raw emotion in her eyes caused Amaya to completely forget about her conversation with Ray, making her way across the room and perching on the coffee table.

'Sara,' she prompted quietly, causing the blonde to look straight at her, her eyes piercing. 'If I ask a question, can you give me an honest answer?'

Sara studied her face for a moment, and then attempted to give a smile, which came out a little lopsided and didn't quite reach her eyes. 'Depends on the question.'

Amaya rolled her eyes fondly before her face turned serious once again. 'Do you feel safe right now?'

Sara froze.

Thousands of possible questions had flashed through her mind, but that hadn't been one of them. _Did_ she feel safe? Did she feel secure on this ship?

Safety was warmth and solid ground and so many things which she could barely remember. Safety was a distant memory from a time before the Amazo, a time before the League.

A time when she didn't wake in the night with phantom touches lingering on her skin, no matter how hard she tried to fight them. A time when she wasn't forced to relive her past as a special reminder from the universe that she had fucked up time. A time when she could think straight without her own pleas echoing in her ears.

In all honesty, she could hardly remember what _safe_ felt like.

But she knew it didn't feel like this.

Taking in a shaky breath, followed by another, and then another, she tried desperately to calm herself, feeling a familiar panic rising in her chest.

Amaya reached out a hand, and Sara clutched at it, closing her eyes and focusing entirely on forcing air into her lungs. Once she had her breathing under control, she counted to ten and opened her eyes to find Amaya still sitting patiently in front of her, only sympathy in her eyes.

Sara opened her mouth to answer the question, but found she couldn't get the words out of her mouth, a lump forming in her throat as she tried desperately to hide the tears she'd been fighting all day. When no words came out the second time, Sara settled for a shake of her head, her tears collecting on her eyelashes.

Amaya brushed her thumb across the back of Sara's hand in support, and murmured 'okay. Okay. We can work with that.'

Waiting until Sara looked back at her, she asked softly 'What would help to make you feel safe?'

Sara shrugged hopelessly, a few stray tears sliding down her cheeks.

'Do you want me to go?' Amaya asked slowly, hesitantly.

'No,' came the answer, this time firmer and more definitive. Sara shook her head again as more tears escaped, trying to keep the desperation out of her voice as she begged 'please don't leave me alone.'

Her words were barely audible, but the desperation in her voice cut straight through to Amaya's heart, and the look on Sara's face just twisted the knife further. 'Okay,' she agreed, nodding. 'I'll stay.'

The relief that washed over Sara's face at her assurance was almost worrying, as it demonstrated just how unsafe the Captain truly felt.

Which took Amaya back to her original question.

'Is there anything else that would make you feel safer?'

Sara hesitated, looking away, something clearly on her mind. 'Can we...' She cut herself off, taking a moment to brush the remains of her tears from her cheeks. Taking a deep breath, she tried again, 'This is going to sound weird. But -' she shuffled awkwardly in her seat. 'Can we go somewhere with a door?'

Confusion flickered across Amaya's face, followed by understanding when Sara murmured to herself 'He never let me have a door.'

Amaya squeezed Sara's hands yet again, nodding. 'Yeah. We can do that. Come on.'

Her room was a mess, the research she had been doing earlier -before Sara had come to find her - still spread out across the bed, but this was a much better option than leaving Sara alone elsewhere. Left to her own devices, the Captain's coping mechanisms tended to be either excessive alcohol consumption or violence, neither of which would be productive right now.

That said, Sara seemed adamant about not talking, and she was determined to respect that, but wasn't exactly sure what to do instead.

Somehow, they ended up on Amaya's bed, watching a movie from 2017 that had little plot and far too much CGI. Sara was curled up beside her, and she could tell that the blonde wasn't following the film, her eyes hazy and unfocused. She was clearly exhausted, both physically and emotionally, but as time progressed, some of the tension began to ease from her shoulders and she sunk further back into the pillows, so something had to be working.

Hours later, when the credits started rolling, Amaya looked back over to the captain, and was surprised to find her asleep, still curled up into the pillows. To say she looked peaceful would be a lie, as traces of the day's events still clung to her - the bags under her eyes hadn't yet faded, and her expression was still tense, even in sleep.

But she looked better. She looked less lost, less fearful. Less like the Sara she had met on the Amazo earlier that day and more like Sara Lance, Captain of a timeship.

Amaya tucked a blanket around her before changing into her pyjamas and curling up on the other side of the bed, a small smile still on her face.

Today had been rough, but they'd gotten through it, and Sara being forced to confront her demons didn't have to be a bad thing. She couldn't ignore the past forever, no matter how hard she tried to run from it.

At least this way, she kept some element of control. And she had asked for help, which was huge - the Sara she'd met two years ago would never have admitted to needing support.

Whatever came next, they'd get through it as a team.

Tomorrow would be better.

**Author's Note:**

> I started writing this because I loved their friendship... but now I kinda ship it?  
> Anyway, hope you liked it! Comments and kudos make my day!
> 
> Title from 'With a Little Help from My Friends' - The Beatles.


End file.
